SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 24 of 61
Davy Crockett Serves as Mediator Between Warble and Tanglefoot Popskull
Chapter 24
Davy Crockett Serves as Mediator Between Warble and Tanglefoot Popskull
After making sure Ward is ready to take a picture of him “in action,” Warble addresses the ragtag group of defenders: “Never fear, McGorkle is here!” he bellows out, spreading his arms wide at his side and turning himself slowly in a circle for the entire congregation of Texicans to admire (or so he thinks, anyway).
Warble spots an old timer in the assembled throng who bears an uncanny resemblance to “Uncle Joe” in the old tv show Petticoat Junction. Warble assumes he must be the company cook, and addresses him specifically: “Set all your pots to boilin’ and fire up all your fryin’ pans, Cooky, we’re going to serve up a mighty nice culinary welcome to those invading hordes from across the border. After we’re done with ’em, they’ll never want to see the ol’ red, white, and blue, not to mention the lone star or the about-to-be-stepped-on rattlesnake ever again.”
“Who you callin’ Cooky, stranger? I’m the sergeant of arms hyar, and don’t you forget it!” the man says (whose name happens to be, not Joe or anything remotely similar to Joe, but rather Tanglefoot Popskull).
“Pardon me, but if you’re a sergeant where are your stripes?” Warble inquires, dubious of the man’s claim to officership.
“I’ll give you some stripes if you don’t mind your tongue, strange stranger!” Tanglefoot threatens.
Davy Crockett, who is grinning from ear to ear, pulls his sergeant of arms aside and whispers to him: “Play along with him, Tanglefoot. At the very least, these fella’s ’r’ gonna be good for a laugh, and if worse comes to worst, we can just bash ’em all on the noggin and chuck ’em over the side—except the womenfolks, of course--we’ll keep them around to cook our vittles and boil our duds for us, and to advise us when we get dressed in the mornin’s which gunbelt goes best with which buckskin vest—you gotta be stylish when it comes to this hyar history-makin’, ya know. Anyway, just pretend you’re the head cook, and get some of the boys to help ya.”
Tanglefoot is on the verge of reluctantly acquiescing when Warble comes up and pokes him in the shoulder.
“Say, who’s giving the orders around here?! I told you, you mangy old geezer, to get crackin’!”
Tanglefoot’s quick temper gets the best of him, and he rears back and is about to send Warble reeling with a back-loaded roundhouse punch. But Crockett prevents this by grabbing Tanglefoot’s arm, slowly moving it back down to his side, and, putting his hands on his friend’s shoulders, turning him around, whispering in his ear, and reminding him just to play along for now.
Tanglefoot harumphs, squares his shoulders, and marches three steps away, to the center of the Alamo’s rooftop. “Flapjack, Zanzibar, Willie! Huddle up; we’ve got a job to do.”
Flapjack Wormcastle (the real cook), Zanzibar Ricochet, and Willie Nelson Miles Standish gather around, a combination of mischievous anticipation and dubious dread displayed by their countenances.
“You heard the man,” Tanglefoot growls, simultaneously jerking his thumb over his shoulder, indicating Warble, and rolling his eyes. “Fire up the cauldrons and the frying pans.”
The colorful trio look at one another, shrug their shoulders, and ask: “What ferTanglefoot? We done just had our mornin’ vittles!”
Before Tanglefoot can ask for a reason for the seemingly unnecessary order, Warble beats him to the punch and steps into the breach: “Cook up as much hot Texas chili as you can in the pots, and scads and scads of extra large donuts in the frying pans, boys! We’re going to give those south-of-the-border desperadoes a welcome they’ll never forget!”
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: