SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 16 of 61
Warble Prepares to Unleash a Hybrid Animal On His Sworn Enemy
CHAPTER 16
Warble Prepares to Unleash a Hybrid Animal on his Sworn Enemy
“Helephino,” answers Warble, catching his breath after he reaches the Arodnap and stops to rest. “I know it's not a bird, but it was on special—31.4% off—so I couldn't resist the bargain. Think of all the money I saved!”
"Well, be that as it may, the species has got to have a name," Marianne says.
"Of course it does, and I just told you what it is," Warble answers.
Everybody replays the conversation in their mind, and do not remember Warble giving the name of the species of the odd creature at any time.
"I missed it--what is it again?" Ward volunteers to be the guinea pig.
"HELEPHINO!" Warble yells. He hates having to repeat himself.
"First you say you don't know the name, then you say..." Jacques adds his two cents.
"Pay attention, boy. I say, PAY ATTENION!” Warble fumes. “It's a HELEPHINO, you dadburned varmint! It's part hyena, part elephant, and part hippo. The starting 'H' comes from Hyena, the sandwiched 'eleph' part from Elephant, and the trailing 'ino' from Rhino!"
“You're going to let this thing loose in Johnny Carson's daughter's tree?” Albert asks, doubtful any of the boughs will be able to stand the strain.
“No, you bonehead!” Warble says. “Of course not! This was an impulse purchase—nothing to do with the bird plan. Once I saw this cute critter, I knew I had to have it, come Dallas or high water.”
“What do you plan to do with it, then?” Ward wonders.
“Good question,” Warble says.
“Bad answer,” Ward replies.
“You didn't let me finish, Robespierre!” Warble admonishes. “I'll use the MC/D on it, of course, and then I'll take it back to 2024 Oconomowoc and make a fortune out of it. I'll become the world's only and premiere Helephino breeder. Everyone will want one. They will be the hip, designer, fad pet—for decades, probably.”
“Why would somebody want one of those monstrosities?” Marianne asks, looking at the creature in the cage with a disgusted look on her face.
“You see, Marianne,” Warble points out, “That's why you're just a lowly security expert, while I'm the brains behind this outfit. It's obvious—if you have half a brain—that this is the best animal the wonder drug thalidomide and the miracle branch of science known as eugenics has ever produced. This critter is bound to be good-natured (because hyenas are always laughing); have a superb memory (since elephants never forget); and a good sense of balance, inherited from its rhino genes.”
“Rhinos have a superior sense of balance?” Jacques asks, for whom this is a new thought.
“Natch!” Warble says, and reasons: “Have you ever seen a rhino tip over?”
The seven others (excluding Taterskin) in Warble's entourage have to admit that no, they've never seen a Rhino fall over.
“Well, then, it's as plain as the antennas on your head, isn't it?” Warble says. “And speaking of the plains, since you're all a bunch of no-account, ignorant fools, you've probably never heard of just how good elephants are at remembering things, have you?”
“Well, if I have, I've forgotten it,” Jacques jokes.
“Then pay attention, boy, I say, pay attention this time, and maybe you'll learn something,” Warble replies, seeing no humor in the situation. “Elephants once roamed the American plains in herds millions strong; they helped the Indians remember things, so the dirty rotten redskins didn't have to carry libraries around with them as they went on their extended camping trips. The elephants always toted the Campfire marshmallows, too, buy the whey.
“Animals know lots of things humans don't--about plants, food, the weather, etc. The other animals of the forest and plains and glens taught the elephants about herbs and all that stuff. The elephants, in turn, paid it forward and reminded the Indians about all the things that they needed to know at the proper time—when to come in out of the rain, when to raid a wagon train full of innocent civilians, and so forth.”
“Really?” Marianne asks, understandably skeptical.
“That’s the way I heard it,” Warble says.
“When?” Albert questions, desiring some reference he can research to verify Warble's claims.
“Just now,” Warble curtly responds, impatient to finish the story.
“Just now? But you were right here just now,” Ward counters, confused.
“Yes, that’s when I heard it. Didn’t you hear it, too?” Warble asks, getting exasperated.
“What do you mean, Warble? Who said it?” Marianne would like to know.
“What do you mean 'who said it?'?--I did,” Warble huffily answers.
“But who did you hear it from?” Marianne persists.
“What are you blathering about? I heard it from myself. Didn’t you?” Warble seethes.
“You assert that auto-attribution is appropriate in such a case?” Ward queries.
“I have no idea what you just said, but there's no source more trustworthy than myself, so I tend to favor my own quotations. But you people are hopeless. I don't know why I bother,” Warble says, turning away, and leaving the rest of the story untold.
His traveling companions are relieved, glad to be reprieved from listening to yet more of Warble's rants, raves, and aimlessly ambling ramblings.
After an embarrassingly pregnant pause consisting of a few molasses-slow seconds that seem like hours, Mary asks meekly, “What now, Warble?”
Warble whips around, thrusts his right forefinger into the air, and proclaims: “Off to Ms. Carson's, to infest her environ with more birds than she will be able to shake the proverbial stick--or stone--at!
“But first: Ward, take a picture of me here in front of the Arodnap, surrounded by all these critters and varmints—in other words, the birds and all of you. I want to have a photographic record of my heroic deeds—for posterity, you know. From now on, take a picture of me at each scene of historic import that we visit.”
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author, here: