SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 20 of 61
Warble Explains How to Train Your Pet Pachyderm
Chapter 20
Warble Explains How to Train Your Pet Pachyderm
After Warble’s “jets” cool off a little, he continues, explaining: “That is to say, we would all have a PPA--Personal Pachyderm Assistant--to help us remember things (like appointments, etc.)”
“A PPA? Now that you mention it, I did hear something about the Harper Valley PPA once,” Mary muses, rubbing her chin thoughtfully.
Soundtrack note: Play “Harper Valley PTA” by Jeannie C. Riley here, but perhaps in a subdued way, at an unobtrusive volume?
“Mary, snap out of it,” Warble exhorts, snapping his fingers. “That’s an equine of a decidedly different hue. The PPAs I’m talking about are pachyderms that communicate by ‘writing’ messages in the air with their trunks. You—if Washington hadn’t been such a no-account jerk and prevented us all from having one, that is—would have your choice of four options to decode the early form of sky writing those gentle giants used:
1) Stand on your pet elephant’s feet, leaning back against his kneecaps, to read the message.
2) Face your wrinkly friend, and learn to read backwards.
3) Face your club-footed servant and teach him (or her—some of the female elephants are almost as smart as the males and can also be taught to write) to write backwards.
--Or--
4) Stand on your Pinocchio-nosed slave’s feet, and teach it to write backwards and learn to read backwards.
“You can also, of course,” Warble adds, in a rather offhanded manner, “teach the fat slobs shorthand, you know--or shorttrunk, I should say.”
Warble chuckles, pleased (as punch, as usual) with himself.
“Well, I must admit it would be fun to have a pet elephant,” Mary says.
“Don’t patronize them, Mary. These are working animals, not mere pets. Give them some respect.”
“It’s hard not to respect an elephant, Warble,” Ward says. “But, although I grant you it would be fun to have such a pet...I mean, ‘working animal’...why is it such a big deal? It seems like we’ve gotten along pretty well without PPAs all these centuries.”
“Oh we have, have we?” Warble challenges, hands on hips. “If we had had PPAs all along to help us remember all of our appointments and responsibilities, many calamities would have been averted and avoided. We wouldn’t have to even be here now, saving the world. I could be home, laying in my hammock and eating bon bons.”
“Calamities?” Marianne wonders. “Calamities could have been avoided?”
“Sure,” Warble asserts. “You’ve heard of all those people being gassed and what-not in Nazi concentration camps? All because Hitler forgot he was part Jewish.”
“He was?” Comfy asks, incredulous, then realizes the ridiculousness of that assertion and casts an aspersion on Warble’s mental state: “You must be out yo’ head, Consumer Warble!”
“Come on!” Warble chides. “You didn’t know that, Comfy? And speaking of Jews, do you know why they are always so irritable (Hitler was obviously a tad irritable, himself, a sure sign of Jewish blood)?”
“Tell us, honey,” Mary says monotonically, not that she really wants to hear it, but she knows there is no way to get out of hearing “the rest of the story,” and just wants to get it over with as quickly as possible.
“All right. Hold on to your hats, as I am about to unfold one of the great mysteries of history,” Warble promises.
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: