SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 44 of 61
Warble Accuses “McHank” of Being a Nazi
His reluctant crew has piled in beside and behind Warble—they are his hostages, so to speak, as they would be forever stuck in an unfamiliar place and time if they were to abandon him.
“We've got to nip this thing in the butt,” Warble instructs the occupants of the Arodnap, after they've touched down on the field at Fenway Park (although it is baseball season, the Red Sox are not in Boston today—they are in Baltimore, playing the Orioles).
“McHank and his rabble are about to form a violent sect, whose aim is to undermine everything worth mining and overthrow everything worthy of being thrown—including but not limited to bachelorette parties.”
“I thought they just wanted to give food away,” Mary posits, ignoring, for the moment, the lion's share of Warble's accusations.
“That's just one part of their intricate plot to violently overthrow the world,” Warble explains. “First, they want to take over the nuclear plant here, and hoard the yellowcake for their own devious uses. McHank is obviously a Nazi, and we've got to stop him.”
“A Nazi? Named McHenry?” Jacques questions.
“Sure, McHank was born in Germany, so he obviously has to be a Nazi. I'm convinced (and so you should be, too, then) that his birth name was Klaus Mannheim or something like that. 'Keith McHenry' is simply a nebulous nom de guerre. And you can tell how violent he is by his beard.”
“His beard talks to you?” Mary asks, wondering if Warble has finally gone all the way around the bend and over the deep end.
“No bout a doubt it,” Warble replies. “Each whisker represents one person killed--or at least horribly maimed, with the intent to kill...or horribly maim. The beard and its lushness is a super-secret sign used by S.T.O.”
Soundtrack note: Play "The Jam" from "Ain't No 'Bout-A-Doubt It" by Graham Central Station, although only one in a million people will “get it.”
“Then how do you know about it, Warble?” asks Ward, suddenly suspicious.
“Because I'm the biggest toad in the puddle, Robespierre. And I'm that big croakin' toad because I'm so smart,” Warble witheringly replies. “Unlike some people I know,” he adds, staring first at Ward, and then looking around at all the rest of his traveling companions one by one, not even leaving out Taterskin.
Soundtrack note: “I've Got a Name” by Jim Croce
Ward caves. He knows Warble is wrong, but he just can't bear arguing with him any longer. He'll go insane (again) if he does. So, he gives in, and decides to go along with Warble, regardless of how wrong and wrong-headed his boss and his plans are. “All right, then, Warble, you win: What do we have to do to neutralize this fella?” he asks.
“Now you're talking, Robespierre,” Warble smiles. “Maybe you're not quite as dumb as you look. We introduce a law to the Massachusetts Legislature that, in order to give away free food, you must first purchase a license to do so--for the tidy sum of...oh, say 3.14 billion dollars. This will discourage those guys, because even they don't have that kind of dough, to throw around like confetti at a Marty Graw parade.
“Our nemesis and his crowd of ne'er-do-wells will retire from the field, eyes downcast, hearts bedarkened, and tails between their legs.
“Once Congress sees how well our stratagem worked in the Bay State, they will make such company policy...I mean federal law...and such random acts of anti-commercialism will be punishable by death and even worse things.”
“Worse things than death?” Mary asks.
“Yes, like having their eyes propped open with toothpicks and being forced to watch re-runs of 'The Partridge Family' until they are reduced to babbling imbeciles, no longer suitable for any practical purpose or worthwhile endeavor—that'll teach 'em!” Warble viciously vents.
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: