SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 36 of 61
Warble Blames the International Date Line on Arabs
Chapter 36
Warble Blames the International Date Line on Arabs
Touching down on a lonely atoll, the amalgamation of unlikely co-conspirators alight blithely and lithely onto the white sands and go gently into the good and lightly blowing coconut-scented breeze.
“Warble, you picked a fine spot this time,” Mary concedes, “but what are we going to do here? What kind of misch...I mean, what sort of heroic deeds are you going to perform here?”
“This is where the International Date Line begins,” Warble answers, getting right to the point. “It emanates both northward and southward from this juncture, that is, from this point of origin and departure. Financed by evil entrepreneurs and inspired by demon rum, it must be nipped in the butt, and pronto!”
Understandably, nobody in Warble's entourage is any the wiser, in spite of Warble's supposed explanation of his intentions.
Finally, Mullah bites the bullet and ventures a question: “Warble, what in pan-fried sea snakes are you talking about? Who are you saying paid for the IDL, and why must it be stopped?”
“If I were half as ignorant as you, Gitani, I would just sit quiet, plan our next meal, and keep my mouth shut,” Warble scolds. “Everybody knows that the International Date Line, or IDL, as you succinctly call it (you're probably just lazy or can't pronounce the shibboleth-like word 'International') was paid for by the illustrious forebears of—no, not the bears—but the human inhabitants of this island, the denizens of this veritable paradise.
“Gilbert & Sullivan, Gilbert O'Sullivan, Melissa Gilbert, and Gilbert Brown all descend from the royal dynasty that has controlled this chain of islands for decades, maybe even centuries. They have made their oodles of boodle off an unsuspecting public by selling their Gilbert grapes to the non-grape-growing world, most notably France and their most-favored trading partner, Australia. Or, as those wastrel loonies down under would put it, 'most-favoured'” (Warble pronounces it “fave-houred”).
Soundtrack note: “The Land Down Under” by Men At Work would be really cool kicking in right here, followed by Slim Dusty covering "Waltzing Ma~"
“Even so, what's the harm in it?” Ward boldly probes (I say 'boldly' because he is starting to feel his sanity slipping away again).
“The harm?! I'll tell you the harm!” Warble seethes. “These malevolent dictators misused their hoarded riches to construct the IDL...”
“And?” Mary interjects.
“And nothing!” Warble shouts. “Who did they hire to do the building?" he rhetorically challenges. "A bunch of wily, dusky, beard-wearing, long-curly-dagger-wielding A-rabs, that's who!”
“So what?” Comfy challenges. “What have you got against the sons of Ham, Consumer Warble?”
“I like bacon and ham as much as any man – and more than some, Comfy,” Warble replies, misunderstanding Comfy's drift. “Butt that's neither here nor there...unless Gitani is cooking up some there,” he points at Mullah, who has set up his portable cooking stall, having first, of course, used the MC/D to restore it to its normal size.
“Butt anyway, the problem is this: the A-rabs copied the heathen Chinee and their dad-blamed Great Wall and built the IDL long and tall, extending across the entire globe.
“There are only three things on earth visible from outer space, you know: The Great Wall of China, The International Date Line, and the Maul of America.”
“I thought the third thing was the California Aqueduct,” Ward questions.
“The California Awkward Duck?” Warble wonders aloud. “Oh! Do you mean the mega-sculpture that was formerly proudly and prominently displayed outside that fast-food joint on the brink of Bakersfield? Nah, that fine work of art was at one time visible from outer space, but you may recall that Hayduke blew it sky-high in 1984, the lousy no-account desert rat scoundrel. I'll get that mangy, manic, malodorous, mean-spirited miscreant maniac for that some day, believe you me! It was my favorite sculpture—much more stylish and evocative than 'The Thinker' or 'Venus de Milo' or even the miniature Ferndale at Legoland any time at any rate for my money.”
“Anyway, Warble,” Jacques asks (while keeping himself limber with some deep knee bends), trying to get his boss back on track, “What is your problem with the International Date Line?”
“Oh, no problem,” Warble sarcastically answers. “That is, no problem if you think an A-rab takeover of the world is just what the doctor ordered!”
Soundtrack note: “Just What the Doctor Ordered” by Ted Nugent and his late great drummer, Cliff Davies
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: