SERIALIZATION OF “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” – Chapter 48 of 61
Warble Dreams of a Dystopian Future
CHAPTER 48
Warble Dreams of a Dystopian Future
Warble is soon dreaming. The visions that come to him during his mid-day siesta are not pleasant ones, though. He dreams about returning home, to the year 2024, in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin. He expects life, after the re-engineering he has done and will yet do, to be a paradise for enterprising entrepreneurs and other greedy-guts capitalists (as people who 'just don't get it' refer to Warble and his ilk).
For some reason, though, in Warble's dream, it doesn't work out that way. Transported in his mind forward (or back, depending on how you look at it) to the time and place from whence they started out, something has gone seriously awry: The McGorkles are poor.
Truth be told unvarnishedly, they are downright destitute. Warble and Mary are living in a hovel not much more elaborate or fancy than a ramshackle shack comprised of corrugated iron and cardboard stapled together, with wallpaper consisting of pictures torn out of magazines they had gotten from the local library at it's "going out of business giveaway" before it was shuttered.
As members of the lowest economic and social class—the poorest of the poor—Warble and Mary are owned by 'poor farmers' who rent, lease, and sell low-income folks to the highest bidder.
Mary is taken away from her home by her owner and sold to the government, to take part in an experiment in human ethics being carried out in Getoutamyway Bay. There, she is placed in a giant (3.14 miles square) terrarium, and subjected to a battery of tests.
Soundtrack note: “Blister on the Moon” by Taste
With the subjects first deprived of food, then not allowed to have any water, then exposed to extreme heat, then to bitter cold, etc., the scientists overseeing the experiment take meticulous notes to see what these unfortunates will do in order to obtain relief.
After starving them, or subjecting them to these other extreme hardships, they make available to them food, water, blankets to bundle up against the cold, or whatever it is the person desires--but the subject is not really supposed to have them. The only way they can get these things is to steal them. How long will they hold out? When will they 'break'? At what point do they go against their conscience and do something they consider to be wrong, or immoral? For example, how long will Mary, who is being tested with a combination of extreme heat and fluid deprivation, last until she, in her parched condition, attempts to steal a bottle of water?
Warble is safe from such experiments, because for some reason (in his dream only, of course) he has been deemed null and void in the ethics and morals department. He actually scored zero on his MQ (morality quotient) test, and somehow inexplicably received a negative reading on the EQ (ethics quotient) test. Thus, he is not 'experiment fodder' and has never been used for such.
Mary, though, is a different matter altogether.
In a move of opportunistic efficiency and marketing brilliance, the government has directly taken over control of this research into human behavior. The experiments actually pay for themselves (the government taxes the people, particularly the poor, since they are the ones who take part in the experiments and thus are the ones who “benefit” by them). Actually, the research not only pays for itself, but the powers that be have made them into a blockbuster moneymaking venture.
The government is able to turn a profit on these experiments in three ways: First, they turn these into “reality” shows, and broadcast them to the entire world on a pay-per-view basis. Second, the government sponsors gambling operations where people bet on who will give in to which temptation, and when. Finally, sportsmen who have grown bored with hunting down mere beasts (most of which have gone extinct anyway) pay 'big bucks' (to use the cute colloquial expression) to 'euthanize' (to use the convenient euphemism) the subjects once they are about to give in to their temptation and attempt to steal something.
For any of these sportsmen still saddled with the vestigial appendage of a conscience, they can salve or assuage their feelings of guilt by paying a 'sin tax,' which goes to beautify the state-sponsored religious temples and produce yet more of the ubiquitous “educational and uplifting” government propaganda.
Yes, unbeknownst to the participants (only those too poor to pay for the pay-per-view shows are selected as subjects, and so they don't know what fate awaits them), they are executed once they give in to temptation. In fact, just before they do so (in the spirit of pre-emptive strikes pioneered by Warble) they are killed, to save the cost of the bread they would otherwise eat, water they would have drank, blankets they would have sullied or soiled, etc.
In Warble's dream, he is watching the drama unfold on the TV screen at the local government satellite office (spouses who are exempt from participation in the test as subjects are allowed to watch the experiments free, as a “kindness” to them).
It's hot enough to peel the hide off a gila monster, and Mary is just about as dehydrated as a raisin in the South Yemen sun. As she staggers up to the vending machine in the center of the giant terrarium, Warble is watching her on the TV screen with bated breath.
The vending machine, gleaming in the sun and beckoning Mary closer with its inviting metallic blue hue, bears a sign reading:
NOTICE: These bottles of cool, clear, refreshing water, which you can have by simply opening the door and grabbing one, are property of the government of these hyar Untied St8s of Pleonexia. You are on the honor system (nobody is here to monitor your actions), but you are not allowed, under any circumstances, to buy, borrow, steal, or purchase on credit any of this nice, cool, clear, refreshing, revivifying, rejuvenating, wonderfully tasty and thirst-quenching water. If you do so, you will be branded a thief for all eternity (not by us, because nobody's watching you, but by your own conscience, which will never give you a moment's rest).
Have a nice day—if you survive it without water, that is, which is extremely unlikely!
Signed, Your benefactors, the government of these hyar Untied St8s of Pleonexia.
Soundtrack note: “Cool Water” by The Sons of the Pioneers
The scientists conducting the experiments assert that the claims that the subjects aren't being observed is a necessary fabrication to preserve the integrity and accuracy of the tests.
Warble's eyes are glued to the screen. He sees Mary hesitate. He also sees four snipers—Euthanizing Sportsmen, to use the preferred terminology—raise their rifles and center her in their sights (Warble sees each sniper in a separate “window” in each corner of his television screen).
Warble is frantic. He doesn't know what he can do to save Mary. He can't bear to watch the scene, but he is mesmerized by it all the same. He begins to sweat and hyperventilate.
Back in the real world (outside of Warble's dream, that is), his wife and employees notice that Warble's formerly peaceful slumber has apparently morphed into a nightmare: Warble is whining pitifully, sounding something like a police siren stuck on its high note (in other words, it's a monotonic, rather than an undulating, sort of whine -- pretty much what an alto bagpipe's drone note would sound like), and flailing his arms and legs in every direction. Nobody dares get near him, lest they be kicked black and blue and clawed to ribbons (it's been awhile since their sandal-bedecked boss has clipped his finger- and toenails).
Meanwhile, Jacques and Marianne go up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
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Blackbird Crow Raven’s “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle” is being serialized in this space each Sunday and Thursday; it is also available in its entirety from here.
You can listen to the recording of this excerpt, by the author’s alter ego, here: