HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT AND SAVE MONEY AT THE SAME TIME

THE SIMPLEST & MOST EFFECTIVE DIET OF THEM ALL: “HOLE 30”

Y’all have heard of the “Whole 30” diet. Mine is better, and is skinnier by one letter. This I accomplished by whacking the leading “W” from the name of that fancy-schmanzy diet plan. My idea for losing weight is better than what them fellers come up with. Why can I say that? Because it’s much simpler, and is demonstrably effective in 100% of cases.

You say, no doubt, “Put your money where your mouth is.”

Well, I did. Figuratively speaking. I followed the regimen myself for a whole (not hole) month, and lost 1% of a ton - a score of pounds! If that continues, and I keep up with it for a twelvemonth, I will end up weighing -11 pounds. This is a feat I couldn’t even accomplish if I was dead and gone!

Before I reveal the secret of this, allow me to mention first that this diet will not only not cost you any money (there are no special foods to buy, or books to order, or seminars to attend, or anything like that), it will actually save you money. You will see how in the instructions below.

Without further ado or adon’t, the “Hole 30” diet simply involves following these steps:

0) Get a shovel

1) Tote it to your backyard (drag it behind you, Alley Oop style, if you wish)

2) Dig a hole 30' deep (in this context, “'” means feet)

3) Chuck all the food that you like to eat into the pit you just dug

4) Cover the food with manure from pigs, tapirs, or hyenas (depending on the part of the world in which you live). This is to prevent you from being tempted to go after and fetch the longed-for grub out of the pit

5) Fill the hole back in with the dirt you excavated while digging it

Note: Digging this hole by hand will also assist you in your desire to shed unwanted poundage

- That's all there is to it!

Now that you are limited to food you don’t like, you will eat less, and you will get more exercise, as you will be spending a good chunk of your free time pacing up and down and railing against the dearth (actually, complete lack) of your favored vittles.

In no time at all, you will be sleek, svelte, and have money to burn. But don’t burn it. Send it to me, in appreciation of my helpful expertise, postmarked:

Hole 30 Harry

157 Riverside Avenue

Champaign, IL 61820

Clay Shannon is the author of the book “the Zany Time Travels of Warble McGorkle”