Serialization of "Quedly Dake and His Quest to Conquer the Globe" — Chapter 24 of 25 (Penultimate)
From Book 3 of the “Taterskin & The Eco Defenders” Trilogy
“Dake, we talked it over, and decided we would return you to your accustomed size,” Albert told our captive.
“Well, that’s something of a relief, anyway,” Dake said.
“We could have made you much larger than normal, but we didn’t want you to get the idea that maybe you could try to fight us, so that was out,” Chumbawumba said.
“Why would you even consider doing that?” Dake asked.
“Some of us thought you should have to work harder to forage enough food to live on. They wanted to make it tougher for you,” Rory told him. “In fact, I was one of them. Think of how many coconuts and pineapples and fish you would have to collect and catch to satisfy your hunger if you were much larger. It would take dozens of coconuts and pineapples, and schools of fish, to satisfy your hunger.”
Thinking about that, Yukyuk chuckled.
“Hmmm, I guess there are advantages to being normal size,” Dake said, not too happy about Rory’s bitter attitude toward him.
“We also thought about leaving you small, which would also cause problems for you, not only from a food-gathering perspective, but also because you would be easier prey for some of the animals on this island,” Ooga related.
“Since you’ve found it in you to be lenient on me—at least relatively lenient compared to what you might have been,” Dake said, “Why not consider just letting me off with a warning? After all, what did I do that was really so bad, anyway? Why did you bring me here?”
“Exiling you here in the Wet Tortugas is for the benefit of mankind, Dake,” Albert informed him. “You flattered people to gain power, bribed them to increase your power even more, and even went to the point of threatening people with dire and despicable things you would have done to their children if they didn’t support you in your design to become the ‘Exalted Emperor of the World’.”
“Oh, I didn’t really mean it, though,” Dake claimed. “I wouldn’t have followed through on those threats. I’m really a nice guy, deep down, when you get to know me.”
“That’s a lie, Quedly Thefelonious Dake,” Alexis said, ruffling her feathers. “You followed through on your threats by nuking 12 nations of the earth, namely Finland, Jordan, Morocco, Nepal, New Zealand, Peru, Portugal, Scotland, Switzerland, the Yucatan Peninsula, Borneo, and Ukraine.”
“Who says I would have done that?” Dake protested.
“You did do those things,” Alexis said. “That’s why we came to stop you.”
“I may have been idly thinking about such things, but—”
“You did nuke those countries, Dake, as you were already told,” Ocero Puddleby said, stressing each syllable. “We experienced the results of it ourselves.”
“How can you say that? It makes no sense,” Dake said, frustrated and confused. “How could you know that I did something like that, when I hadn’t—not yet, anyway, at the time you kidnapped me.”
“You basically admit that it was a plan of yours, right?” Alexis said. “How could we know you did it? Again, as Ocero said, we experienced the result of it ourselves, and that was the case even though we weren’t living in one of the countries you attacked. You see, we come from the future. From the year 2525—the time period you first lived in, also. You stole the Arodnap, took Cardamom to the Middle Ages, sold it for Medieval coins, then went forward in time to sell the coins at a massive profit, used that money to invest in Apple, made an even larger fortune off that, and then began using your money to gain power.
“You became more and more addicted to that power to the point where, after you became President of the United States, you made yourself U.N. Secretary General, then proclaimed yourself Emperor of the World. And any who resisted you were forced to either change their tune or be eradicated—”
“Hold on a minute, Alexis,” Albert interjected. “Dake, why didn’t you steal the Androcles also while you were at it?”
“That’s easy to explain,” Dake said. “I couldn’t fly two of your fancy-schmanzy airplanes at the same time, could I?”
“Couldn’t you have recruited an accomplice?” Jowls Behemoth wondered.
“No, there’s nobody I know that I trust that much. People are terrible, you know,” Dake answered, sadly shaking his head.
“You learned that primarily from looking at yourself in the mirror, I take it,” Chapawee said.
This made Yukyuk laugh; which made Dake very angry. He started towards Chapawee, clenching his teeth with his right fist raised. Ravelle X jumped between them and leveled Dake with a punch to the erstwhile dictator’s jaw. Dake went sprawling backwards. As he got back to his feet, he found himself surrounded by Stripes, Rory, Ocero Puddleby, Jowls Behemoth, Ooga, and the two Elephant siblings.
Dake decided that discretion was the better part of valor. Or, rather, he simply “chickened out,” as the saying goes.
“And now,” Alexis said, “Because of what you would have done if we would have left you to your devices, we sentence you to eternal exile here on this isolated island, the Wet Tortugas. We didn’t want to kill you, so this is the only way we can think of to make absolutely sure that you won’t be able to follow through on your plans for world domination by any means necessary.”
Dake didn’t know what to say. He considered saying, ‘You think you’re so smart,’ but thought better of it, as he had indeed been outwitted by the Eco Defenders. He also thought about saying, ‘I’ll get you for this,’ but realized the hollowness of that threat considering the extremely long odds of that happening. Plus, Dake really didn’t want to hear the Chuckling Hyena cackle at him again.
Dake tried to appear stolid and stoic, but his body was trembling and his face was twitching. “How can I live here? There are no McDonalds, or Starbucks, or—”
Alexis cut him off: “There is plenty of food on this island; as alluded to earlier, there are coconuts, pineapples, fish aplenty in the Bay and the inland streams, grubs, cashews—a variety of things for you to live on, really.
“There are plants and trees you can use to build yourself a shelter. The weather here is moderate, so you won’t freeze to death or overheat yourself, as long as you’re careful not to overexert yourself in the sun on the hotter days. The Wet Tortugas, true to its name, gets plenty of rain, so storing up water should also not prove to be an insurmountable challenge—”
“Who do you think I am, Robinson Crusoe or Chuck Noland?” Dake said sarcastically.
“A third-rate version of them, maybe,” one of our pups said. I don’t remember which pup of mine it was, I was so surprised to hear they were paying close attention and had such a fitting piece of commentary to provide.
The pup’s comment caused Yukyuk to chuckle, which caused Dake to moan and bury his head in his hands. “Could somebody get that haywire horse to stop that annoying and irritating guffawing?” he pleaded.
Dake’s plea was like catnip (or Hyenanip, I guess) to Yukyuk. She got into such a laughing jag that she ended up rolling around on the ground, back and forth, back and forth, howling and yowling and shivering in rhapsodic delight bordering on euphoria.
Dake put his hands to his ears and closed his eyes. When Yukyuk had finally exhausted herself, Dake gradually opened his eyes and took his hands away from his ears.
“Really, Dake, if there is any decency in you at all—” Alexis said.
“Which I doubt!” Terri croaked.
“—You will now have your chance to live your best life here. Alone. Alone with your thoughts. Unable to harm anyone, except maybe yourself,” Alexis added.
“Which reminds me, Dake,” Albert said, “If you get tired of the other food, there are snakes on the island, too. Beware, though, that some of them are venomous, so be careful where you walk. Keep your eyes peeled, and you should be more-or-less okay.”
“And with that,” Alexis said, “We will leave you to it.”
We turned on our heels and walked back to our eVTOLs, Ooga piloting the Arodnap, and Ravelle the Androcles.
The previous chapter can be found here.
The next chapter can be found here.
Book 1 of Taterskin & The Eco Defenders, “Wonders Never Cease,” can be found here.
Book 2 of Taterskin & The Eco Defenders, “Tell It To Future Generations,” can be found here.
Book 3 of Taterskin & The Eco Defenders, “Quedly Dake and His Quest to Conquer the Globe,” can be found here.
